I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
