Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
