There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
