i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
