I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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