I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
