I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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