the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I smell stomach acid.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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