whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
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Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
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We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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