were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
