worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
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And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
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Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
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