Someone shit on the floor
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
