Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
