i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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