I puked a lego.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
