Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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