I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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