just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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