We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
