Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
