There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
