Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
