Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
