Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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