Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
