How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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