dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
