so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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