He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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