rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
