If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
