i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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