Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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