I wish my penis had an off switch
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
