Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
