hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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