I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
