apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
