I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
