if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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