8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
