I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
