He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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