So drunk its hurt
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
