hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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