What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
