gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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