I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
