Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
