I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
