Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
