When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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