just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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