Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
