Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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