Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
