just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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