You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
