When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
